Life is over.
I fuck everything up and I have nothing going for me. I can’t stay passionate about one thing without getting exhausted and staying in bed for weeks. I walk dogs as my job and Its the only job I have ever enjoyed and even now that brings me no happiness. I really don’t see the point in holding out and living longer because I can see my future and it is bleak. I’m going to end up like my parents, broke and alone and having no plan even at 60.
I have ruined my relationship and I haven’t told my boyfriend. I don’t love him anymore. I just love him as a friend. But the shame of what i’ve done is too much. I’d rather die then deal with the shame and ridicule.
I’ve been on every SSRI, antipsychotics, anti anxiety medication. I was sober, now i’m drinking again. Waiting for the doctors to check my piss and blood every two weeks so they can go nowhere with my treatment is tiring.
If I look back at my life, all I see is regrets and mistakes. The earliest memories I have are of pain and fear. I just think of people I’ve hurt or people who probably laugh at me.
I keep thinking about just taking the pills. Going out peacefully. Dying on my own terms.
It has always been a thought in my mind and now its a plan.
I’ve been to the psych here, and I felt so ridiculed. Labeled an addict because I was drunk.
I’d rather kill myself then deal with waiting years to get help. Life is going nowhere. I can’t wait out the pain anymore. 26 years of pain is enough.
I’m sorry you feel that way, I can see that you are hurting. But don’t be so hard on yourself, you are stronger than you think.
Have you ever thought about the meaning of life? Why are we here on this earth? I know this might sound crazy but this year I started learning about Islam and have never felt such peace in my life. I have always been a sceptic, believe me.
Please give it some thought. Your life matters!
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