I fuck everything up and I have nothing going for me. I can’t stay passionate about one thing without getting exhausted and staying in bed for weeks. I walk dogs as my job and Its the only job I have ever enjoyed and even now that brings me no happiness. I really don’t see the point in holding out and living longer because I can see my future and it is bleak. I’m going to end up like my parents, broke and alone and having no plan even at 60.
I have ruined my relationship and I haven’t told my boyfriend. I don’t love him anymore. I just love him as a friend. But the shame of what i’ve done is too much. I’d rather die then deal with the shame and ridicule.
I’ve been on every SSRI, antipsychotics, anti anxiety medication. I was sober, now i’m drinking again. Waiting for the doctors to check my piss and blood every two weeks so they can go nowhere with my treatment is tiring.
If I look back at my life, all I see is regrets and mistakes. The earliest memories I have are of pain and fear. I just think of people I’ve hurt or people who probably laugh at me.
I keep thinking about just taking the pills. Going out peacefully. Dying on my own terms.
It has always been a thought in my mind and now its a plan.
I’ve been to the psych here, and I felt so ridiculed. Labeled an addict because I was drunk.
I’d rather kill myself then deal with waiting years to get help. Life is going nowhere. I can’t wait out the pain anymore. 26 years of pain is enough.
