ENG: BiPolar 1 and mild schizophrenia – Im lost big time

Hello everyone.
I am 53, a techie and I just moved back to Sweden, after leaving in 1970 to live in Australia

At 17, I was first admitted to a mental Institution after a bad event.
I stayed there 1 month while they ran tests and brain scans to see what the problem was… They found no issue

Since then I have had various bouts of depression and a regular ”self harm” person.
At 30, I had another major episode and after treatment in intensive care, wound up in a Mental Institution again for just over 1 month.

It was at that time I was put on a LOT of medicine, as I was diagnosed with BiPolar1 and Schizophrenia, which was a relief in some ways as I had something I could pinpoint my issue against.

I stopped taking medicine as I couldnt do my tech work as I always felt drowsy and numb, so could not concentrate.

At the age of around 40, I decided to move to Thailand, to get away from my family and friends, so I could simply ”pass away” without much guilt.

As fate would have it, I met a lady and adopted her child and we also had a daughter together.

I am now living in Sweden and my lady and 2 daughters are still in Thailand and I am worried that I cannot bring here as I am hearing and reading that it might be difficult.

I know I should wait and see what happens and work through any problem, but there is a side of me that has come to take me down and its a very strong feeling that I am now on this forum, talking about the issue.

I dont want to do anything stupid, but I am already looking at the stairs in some weird anticipation of the weight they can hold.

I also know this is a very serious moment for me, because I have dismissed any feelings of guilt I have towards my family and replaced it with ”they are better off without me” and also wondering how long it will take for someone to find me.

This is TOTALLY irrational and I suspect I am thinking this way because its been my family who have kept the badness away, even though I continue to harm myself, which I always told my wife I did, after the event.

So I am writing here in an attempt to get some grasp of what I am feeling, by expressing myself, but I am not sure its enough.

For those people who study the suicide phenomena, be aware that for some, there doesnt have to be rhyme or reason as to why people do this thing and its also not about finances, legal problems or anything.

The best way to describe the dark feeling is to ask you why do you sometimes feel joy and happiness… Its not always because something happened to feel joy, but simply a chemical process in the brain that is giving you this euphoria… Well for me, its the opposite of joy and I dont know where this hopelessness feeling comes from, except to say that like dominos, events take pace over days, week, months or years that finally cumulate to this bad event on this particular day at this particular time….

How can I go from watching a movie on netflix and enjying dinner, to suddenly get hit with such massive depression that is scaring me, yet making me immune to emotions and or guilt.

Unfortunately writing here is not helping me much… My only worry is that my neighbors dont know me enough to know that if I dont appear in a few days that they should knock on the door to see if I am okay….

Anyway, have a nice day!