Scared to loose myself. (TW – self harm)

[Purple Harale]

I hope it is okay that I’m writing this in English, I moved to Sweden a couple of years ago and do not know the language very well yet.
It’s kind of hard to start typing, not sure where to start, my mind feels empty and overfilled at the same time. I should mention that I have now been self-harm free for the last 4 years, but last night I scared myself as I almost did it again. The thing that worried me the most was that nothing significant happened at all, nothing to lead me to it, or at least nothing I paid too much attention to. Suddenly the blade seemed like a long lost friend who I was happy to see again, it felt natural, like a regular habit I used to have but said goodbye to a while ago now. It felt as if I was in a trance of some sort and only woke up when the blade touched my skin.
Suicidal thoughts have never left me, but that moment last night scared me more than those thoughts, because I already know where that road leads to.

Hello! It sounds like a very scary experience.
When the urge to self-harm comes over you it numbs other feelings – feelings that would otherwise stop you from doing it.
It is an amazing accomplishment to have been free from such tendencies for 4 years! 🙂 You have made true progress towards a healthy life, don’t forget that! And one incident like this (or near-incident) does not mean that your progress was for nothing. You say you stopped before you actually harmed yourself – that’s a good thing. You recognize the magnitude of what could have happened, and it’s scary. Isn’t that a sign that you have made real progress? 🙂 You know where this road leads, so please don’t go down it. You are doing great!

You have recently come to a new country. That is an overwhelming experience, and it takes strength and determination to settle into life in a different country. Take care of yourself, try to do things you enjoy 🙂

[Purple Harale]

Purple Cygojy skrev:

<span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”><span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”>Hello! It sounds like a very scary experience.</span></span><span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”><span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”> When the urge to self-harm comes over you it numbs other feelings – feelings that would otherwise stop you from doing it.</span></span><span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”><span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”> It is an amazing accomplishment to have been free from such tendencies for 4 years! 🙂 You have made true progress towards a healthy life, don’t forget that! And one incident like this (or near-incident) does not mean that your progress was for nothing. You say you stopped before you actually harmed yourself – that’s a good thing. You recognize the magnitude of what could have happened, and it’s scary. Isn’t that a sign that you have made real progress? 🙂 You know where this road leads, so please don’t go down it. You are doing great!</span></span> <span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”><span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”>You have recently come to a new country. That is an overwhelming experience, and it takes strength and determination to settle into life in a different country. Take care of yourself, try to do things you enjoy 🙂</span></span>

Hi! Thank you for replying.
I am indeed proud that I was able to snap out of it in time before falling into the pit again. Though I laid in the bed sleepless until early morning, there were too many thoughts racing through my head forbidding me to sleep.
I was thinking about how it’s been getting worse and worse lately in general. I lost interest in most of the things I used to love, only a few activities I like to take part in now to at least temporarily quiet the thoughts in my head. I rarely have motivation to even take care of myself, which sends me on a loop of being overwhelmingly anxious and stressed because I feel like I’m letting people around me down, stressing them out, becoming a bigger burden each day and yet not having the strength, physical or mental, to change anything. Suicidal thoughts are now like a companion that walks the earth with me side by side, whispering constantly in my ear, never wandering off too far away. I’ve been feeling empty and heavy at the same time more recently than ever. It always comes and goes in waves, but never leaves completely, has been the same for as long as I can remember, haven’t seen clearly in a long, long time.
I guess the only glimmer of light is that it’s always gonna pass, at least temporarily. But what’s the point if it’s just gonna creep back like it always does and makes itself comfortable in my mind? Taking complete control over me again? The cycle’s never going to end, so what’s the use.

Purple Harale skrev:

Hi! Thank you for replying. I am indeed proud that I was able to snap out of it in time before falling into the pit again. Though I laid in the bed sleepless until early morning, there were too many thoughts racing through my head forbidding me to sleep. I was thinking about how it’s been getting worse and worse lately in general. I lost interest in most of the things I used to love, only a few activities I like to take part in now to at least temporarily quiet the thoughts in my head. I rarely have motivation to even take care of myself, which sends me on a loop of being overwhelmingly anxious and stressed because I feel like I’m letting people around me down, stressing them out, becoming a bigger burden each day and yet not having the strength, physical or mental, to change anything. Suicidal thoughts are now like a companion that walks the earth with me side by side, whispering constantly in my ear, never wandering off too far away. I’ve been feeling empty and heavy at the same time more recently than ever. It always comes and goes in waves, but never leaves completely, has been the same for as long as I can remember, haven’t seen clearly in a long, long time. I guess the only glimmer of light is that it’s always gonna pass, at least temporarily. But what’s the point if it’s just gonna creep back like it always does and makes itself comfortable in my mind? Taking complete control over me again? The cycle’s never going to end, so what’s the use.

I’m sure it was very distressing 🙁 Did you get any sleep at all? Even a few hours?
I can see myself in a lot of what you are saying, too. When you are in this state of mind, it eats away at everything in you and around you. I so wish I had some advice to give you, other than just nodding along with what you’re saying. The things you are describing – losing interest in hobbies and activities, getting wore at taking care of yourself, feeling like a disappointment and burden…I have experienced them myself.
Who are the people around you? Are they friends, family? Co-workers? Do you think anyone of them would understand if you told them how you feel?
And these few activities you do still have, hold on to them! They can be a stability and security to lean on 🙂 Are they activities with other people, or do you do them alone?

As for this cycle of dark thoughts… yeah, I recognize that too. In those moments it’s near impossible to remember that they will pass. But somehow, I hope you can try 🙂 Try to remember what got you through last time, and do it again.
Sometimes I think of it as winding up a toy – first you go through the exhaustive motions, but every time you go round you gather a little more strength, one more experience, if you can think about it right. After a while, you can see that you have enough energy to go even a little bit forward – and maybe this will be enough to eventually reach some final destination.
Kind of silly, but sometimes, even imagining it gives makes me feel a little better.
Hope your day was OK, in spite of everything! 🙂 Take care