<span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”><span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”>Hello! It sounds like a very scary experience.</span></span><span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”><span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”> When the urge to self-harm comes over you it numbs other feelings – feelings that would otherwise stop you from doing it.</span></span><span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”><span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”> It is an amazing accomplishment to have been free from such tendencies for 4 years! 🙂 You have made true progress towards a healthy life, don’t forget that! And one incident like this (or near-incident) does not mean that your progress was for nothing. You say you stopped before you actually harmed yourself – that’s a good thing. You recognize the magnitude of what could have happened, and it’s scary. Isn’t that a sign that you have made real progress? 🙂 You know where this road leads, so please don’t go down it. You are doing great!</span></span> <span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”><span style=”vertical-align: inherit;”>You have recently come to a new country. That is an overwhelming experience, and it takes strength and determination to settle into life in a different country. Take care of yourself, try to do things you enjoy 🙂</span></span>
Hi! Thank you for replying.
I am indeed proud that I was able to snap out of it in time before falling into the pit again. Though I laid in the bed sleepless until early morning, there were too many thoughts racing through my head forbidding me to sleep.
I was thinking about how it’s been getting worse and worse lately in general. I lost interest in most of the things I used to love, only a few activities I like to take part in now to at least temporarily quiet the thoughts in my head. I rarely have motivation to even take care of myself, which sends me on a loop of being overwhelmingly anxious and stressed because I feel like I’m letting people around me down, stressing them out, becoming a bigger burden each day and yet not having the strength, physical or mental, to change anything. Suicidal thoughts are now like a companion that walks the earth with me side by side, whispering constantly in my ear, never wandering off too far away. I’ve been feeling empty and heavy at the same time more recently than ever. It always comes and goes in waves, but never leaves completely, has been the same for as long as I can remember, haven’t seen clearly in a long, long time.
I guess the only glimmer of light is that it’s always gonna pass, at least temporarily. But what’s the point if it’s just gonna creep back like it always does and makes itself comfortable in my mind? Taking complete control over me again? The cycle’s never going to end, so what’s the use.